I’ve sent an email to my course mates to ask if they can watch the 17 minute edit I made of my film. It’s taken me about a week to pluck up the courage to do it as I have never shown the footage in its raw form to others. Maybe a snippet or so to Jonathan but that’s about it. In a way, it’s easier for me to send the footage to people as I don’t have to be there while they watch it. Something I still find a real struggle.
It is in part an exercise to see if I can get used to people watching the footage. It’s just so personal and really linked to my ‘rehabilitation’ in my real life. It’s also a type of behaviour anyways that is really meant to be private. It was a private event and there’s a reason I behaved that way with nobody else around. So how does it feel to show that side of you to others? Your uncurated self? Is it a foolish endeavour to show others? Will I regret it or will there be a sense of freedom? Or will it be a mixture? I feel that is probably more likely. I am a naturally private person, but this may even act as a kind of therapy to understand why my emotions culminated on the night the way it did, and perhaps other people have experienced …similar….(although hard to believe!!) feelings or responses to emotions or lowness?? or even loneliness??
It is destructive behaviour but that must be a part of leading to recovery, one would hope! Either way, this whole project has been a positive challenge in every way. I admire artists like Gillian Wearing for being almost like introverted performers. That is a type of performance artist I can certainly relate to while working through this project.
Peer review is also just such a valuable part of reflecting on your work and as I’ve had such a positive and nurturing learning experience on my course I feel comfortable sharing this work with the rest of my course.